xkcd.WTF!?

Explanation ➲

On December 20, 2019 (2 days after the publication of this comic), the final movie of the "Skywalker saga" of Star Wars films, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, was officially released to the US. It received a world premiere in Los Angeles on December 16, so there are lots of spoilers online, and also lots of people who want to avoid spoilers. Randall has created a flowchart that generates "spoilers" to the film, but as he probably has not seen the film (or, if he has, he doesn't actually want to spoil it for us), all of the so-called spoilers are nonsensical. However, there are a few things revealed that are weirdly similar to the things in the real movie.

The formula for each spoiler is as follows: "In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain [villain name] with help from their new friend [friend name]. Rey builds a new lightsaber with a [color] blade, and they head out to confront the First Order's new superweapon, the [superweapon name], a space station capable of [evil plan]. They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy [character] and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring [strange event]. P.S. Rey's parents are [character] and [character]".

The First Order is the main antagonist group in the Star Wars sequel trilogy series (episodes VII, VIII, and IX). In Star Wars: The Force Awakens, they use a superweapon in their base, Starkiller Base, to destroy the planetary system housing the headquarters of the New Republic, the democratic government which was formed after the Empire's defeat in Return of the Jedi.

"Building a lightsaber" is one of the rites of passage for becoming a Jedi Knight. In the prequel trilogy (episodes I, II, and III), new Jedi build lightsabers as an official part of the journey towards Knighthood, and in the original trilogy (episodes IV, V, and VI), Luke Skywalker builds a lightsaber between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi as part of his training with Yoda. Rey has used the lightsaber that Anakin Skywalker made and used (which Luke also used when he was a new Jedi) for the first two movies of the sequel trilogy, and so it would be thematically appropriate for her to build her own prior to the trilogy's final entry. Most Jedi lightsabers are either blue or green, with a few notable exceptions (e.g., Mace Windu's purple lightsaber, which was chosen because purple is a cool color). Kyber crystals are aligned with the Light Side of the Force, so Sith must overpower and "bleed" their crystals before they will function for them, causing their distinctive red color. Having a lightsaber of a color other than blue, green, or red is often seen in the Star Wars fandom as a sign of being a "Mary Sue", an accusation which has been made of Rey.^[1]

Another common plot point in Star Wars media is the construction, use, and destruction of a superweapon. These are inspired by stories and media of World War II, in which militaries rapidly developed novel technologies and weapons (including "wonder-weapons"), while also launching massive operations to find, attack, and destroy critical elements of their enemies' resources and infrastructure, and constructing elaborate defenses for their own. The attack on the Death Star in particular is inspired by Operation Chastise, the "bouncing bomb" attack on Germany's hydroelectric power plants; Operation Chastise was dramatized in the 1951 book and 1955 film The Dam Busters, which was very thoroughly homaged by A New Hope. The original trilogy of movies had only two Death Stars, but superweapons quickly became a staple of the Expanded Universe fiction, to the point that one book had Han Solo make fun of the Empire's tendency towards building superweapons, proposing such ridiculous names as "Galaxy Destructor" and "Nostril of Palpatine". Superweapons are also common in superhero stories.

Redemption and making allies of old enemies is also a common plot point in Star Wars. Anakin Skywalker fell to the Dark Side and became Darth Vader, but eventually returned to the Light Side to protect his son, and Han Solo was initially a morally ambiguous character who was eventually convinced to join the Rebel Alliance.

Rey, one of the main characters in the sequel trilogy series, is an orphan left behind on the planet Jakku as a child. As Rey is Force-sensitive and adept at using a lightsaber, there is much speculation among Star Wars fans as to the identity of her parents. Many major characters in Star Wars have unexpected heritages of great portent, most famously Luke, who was very distressed to learn that Darth Vader did not kill his father, as Obi-Wan had told him, but is his father. In Star Wars: The Last Jedi, villain Kylo Ren tells Rey that she is the child of "filthy junk traders", but many fans speculate that he was lying to her.

The title text refers to the bottom option of the [strange event in battle] section. Apparently Lord Juul (or Darth Juul) is fighting the heroes in the Sith car wash. It is unclear what "flipping the switch" from Regular to Premium would do, but it seems to be beneficial to Darth Juul. A "premium" car wash usually has more features than a regular car wash, such as more cleaning brushes, waxing the car, cleaning the tires, etc., so perhaps the premium mode activates additional lightsabers.

A fanmade randomizer based on this comic is available here.

This is the second false-fact-generating comic, after 1930: Calendar Facts.

1. ↑ Though often disputed. See this article for more information on both viewpoints.